The Chicken Bush

I bought a chicken bush from a sad lady
At the farmers market by my dad’s house
She had a mole on her ear that looked like an earring
But it wasn’t it was a mole
I informed her that chickens grow in eggs
And not on bushes
I couldn’t stop staring at her ear mole though
So I bought it anyway.

I took my chicken bush home through this alley
Between two abandoned warehouses
A lot of bad stuff happens there
But I like the way alleys make me feel
This old man with a glass eye
Asked me why I had a bush
I told him that it grew chickens
He laughed and winked his glass eye at me.

My Dad was watching one of those
Knock off CSI shows on DVD when I got home
I tried to tell him about the sad lady’s mole
But he kept saying
“In a minute son, in a minute”
And sometimes his minutes can take awhile
So I decided to keep the chicken bush a secret.
I went upstairs

I put my secret in the corner
By my window so it could get some sun
I went to the bathroom
And filled my toothbrush cup with water
Because plants need water.
I decided that even if it didn’t grow any chickens
It would be nice to have a bush
I’ve heard shrubbery is good for the soul

For some reason I just kept thinking
About the sad mole lady’s ear
It was like there was a digital picture of it in my brain
And I kept hitting the magnifying glass with the plus sign
Zooming in until the screen was a big brown blob.
When I got back I saw something on the bush
It was small and pink like a baby mouse
But it was a chicken

I made a shocked face
Like the bad guy always makes on Scooby Doo
Right after they take off his mask.
It was getting bigger fast.
It was hanging from the branch
By that red part on its head that looks like a glove
He looked up at me and said
“You gonna give me a drink or what”

I poured my toothbrush cup into the dirt
Around the bottom of the bush
“I got a mouth” said the rude and thirsty chicken
“You think just cuz I grew on a bush I drink through
This red thing on my head that looks like a glove?
I wasn’t sure if he could read minds
Or if that’s really what he really called it.
So I got him another drink and asked him his name.

He said that it was TJ
And that it didn’t stand for anything it was just TJ
Because his mom was illiterate
I couldn’t figure out how he had a mom
And grew out of a bush
So I asked TJ if the sad lady
From the farmers market was his mom
But he acted like he didn’t want to talk about it

“I’m a Genie” said TJ the chicken bush genie
“And I’m gonna grant you one wish”
I was trying to remember
If I had rubbed the bush
When he told me to “Get a move on”
I had never had any wishes before
But I had seen Aladdin
So I knew all the rules

I thought about wishing for an Xbox 360
But I didn’t because I knew
My Mom and Dad would fight
About who would get to buy me one for Christmas
I would have wished for money or power
But it seems like that’s what the bad guys always do
And then they turn into a red snake
And die or something

Then all of the sudden my dad
Started banging on the door
Like the CSI detective with a drinking problem
“What’s going on in there son?”
TJ looked at me and I looked at the door
I needed a wish and fast
But the only thing I could think of was
That lady with the mole

“I wish that the sad lady from the farmers market
With the mole on her ear
That looks like an earring
But is really a mole
Would have her mole removed
So she won’t get ear cancer
And so that people won’t stare at her
And she can be happy”

TJ looked up at me and I could see
Little tears welling up
In his chicken eyes
He said “It shall be done”
Waved his wings and he disappeared
Just then my dad broke the doorknob
Falling into my room and landing
On my Lego Pirate Ship

“We will have no secrets in this house”
He said as he pulled the pirate flag
Out of the side of his pants
I told him that I bought a plant and that was all
He looked at my bush in the corner
And was relieved that it wasn’t Marijuana
He went back downstairs
To watch other people solve mysteries.

I kept the bush but it never grew any more chickens
I went to the farmer’s market every Saturday
When I was at my dad’s house
For the next couple of month’s
But I never saw TJ or the mole lady again
Every week I would walk home though the alley
And the old man with glass eye
Would laugh And wink it at me.

Almost Rich

On Monday
I won the lottery.
Called every one I knew
Told them I was rich.
Five other people
Won my same lottery
But I didn’t care I still won.

On Tuesday
I resigned from Wendy's.
I informed them that my life
Had taken a unexpected turn
Toward the aristocratic,
And I could no longer fulfill my duties
As assistant fry cook
In charge of spicy chicken
And customer relations.

On Wednesday
I went out to the bar.
They all knew I was rich and
So I bought a round
Or two
Or three
I can’t remember.

On Thursday
My Girlfriend kicked me out
Of her apartment
Because I quit my job at Wendy’s.
She called me a failure
So I didn’t tell her that I was rich now.
I stole her remote control
And decided to become a bum.

On Friday
I found a cardboard box
And decided that if I was going to be a bum
I was going to be a successful bum.
The kind with notoriety.
All the good bums I could think of
Lived next to Liquor stores.
So that’s where I put my box.

On Saturday
I tried my best at bumming
I rattled my can just right.
But I got too close to a bag lady.
I told her she didn’t know who
She was messing with
That I was rich.
She just hit me with her trash bag of cans
And told me to find a new corner.

On Sunday
I fell asleep outside this church.
The preacher man seemed to think
Jesus could help.
So I told him my secret.
That I was a rich man
And only bumming to prove to my girlfriend
That I wasn’t a failure.
He laughed and told me
Jesus was right about one thing
Being a rich man is hard.

The Grass is Greener with Jésus

The grass is greener on the other side
Because they have a better gardener.
He is a Mexican from the Yucatan Peninsula.
His name is Jésus.
Jésus is the direct descendent of a conquistador
He says that’s why he grows such nice grass.

My grass is pretty good
Not like the other side
But I don’t have a gardener
I don’t really need good grass though,
Because Jésus says
I can come over and have a picnic any time,
As long as the other side people aren’t home
What else is green grass good for except picnics?

Pirate Love

I met a pirate at Price Chopper
He had an eye patch
And smelled like feet.
Just my type
I pushed my cart up to his.
Smiled Winked
And Asked him if
I could walk the plank.

He hooked a package of bacon
From my cart.
And told me he would gut me like a fish.
Just my type
I touched his metal hand
Strong Cruel
I was in love
With the scallywag

His wooden leg was hand made
And went all the way
Up to his pirate hip
Just my type
I kissed his check
Dirty Diseased
He spit on the floor
Next to my high heal shoe.

Rrrrr He said
Like a school boy
With a speech impediment
Just my type
I’m married to the sea He said
Vast Rough
No woman could ever
Have my heart

The sea dog sauntered
Out of the frozen foods section
And out of my life
Just my luck
But that’s what pirates do
Sac Pilage
And turn down fast women
At Price Chopper